I Love You, I Love You Not

Hi there,

I apologize.  I suppose I think it's far more funny to joke about being single than it is to joke about having a series of pretty fantastic relationships - which is, to be honest, far more accurate.

In fact, most of my adult life I've been in happy relationships (I've been engaged, I've lived with two boyfriends, and I've been blessed to hear and say "I love you" more times than I can count).  :)

I'm glad you are happy in your relationship - it doesn't really matter what you did to get there, now does it?

We talk about these issues because a lot of women think about them.  Just because you didn't doesn't mean others don't.  Try to see beyond your own perspective!

And if you can't do that - Don't worry so much about it!

Have a great day.

Julia

This was an apology? 

An idea for Julia: Why don't you try to see beyond YOUR own perspective and understand that of the few people who still actually bother to comment about your show many are offended by your dissmissive replies and lack of respect for opinions different from your own? 

And if you can't understand that, why don't you just not worry so much about comments you don't agree with and stop replying to them in such defensive fashion! 

Try not to take the comments so seriously! 

Don't wory about it. Just relax. Punch a pillow instead if you need to.

Have a great day ; )

Yes it does matter actually how a happy relationship comes to be. Just because it might not matter to you doesn't mean a lot of people don't find it important and interesting. I know I do. Please take your own advice and try to see beyond *your* own perspective. Have a wonderful day!

I'm not understanding what you mean by being funny and joking around....?  I never mentioned that in my comment at all.

Your relationships usually end on bad terms.  

Thanks for the condescending "pat on the head" comments.

I do see beyond my own perspective.  And I did used to talk about these things in this manner.  When I was in high school.

Well ... If you're married, why would you have rules about when to be intimate with new partners?  Or when to say I love you? 

These supposed "rules" are just general guidelines that help us make our own decisions.  For example, I've found that I'm happier when I wait longer to sleep with a man I date.  That sentiment isn't exactly revolutionary.

None of us would debate that honesty, communication and respect are part of a healthy, mature relationship.  I mean ... umm ... isn't that sort of obvious? 

But we're not talking about relationships here.  We're talking about dating - specifically the first few weeks/months, which is certainly NOT about honesty, communication and respect - at least not if you live in New York city.  ;) hahaha

I'm teasing, of course - although as anyone who's dated here can tell you - it's a minefield.  And having "rules" to help you navigate it makes a lot of us feel more secure with our decision making.  That's not to say that we always follow our own rules (I mean, christ, I text messaged my ex Alex I loved him first!  TEXT-MESSAGED.  MY GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!) - but I have found that personally, they work more often than not.

That said, we'd be happy to let people with different mindsets join us.  :)  Please feel free to offer some specific suggestions and we'll take you up on them!

Julia,

"Well ... If you're married, why would you have rules about when to be intimate with new partners? Or when to say I love you? "

What? I don't have rules about it. Nor did I when I was dating. To echo your own words, "Ummm, isn't that sort of obvious" from what I wrote?

"These supposed "rules" are just general guidelines that help us make our own decisions. For example, I've found that I'm happier when I wait longer to sleep with a man I date. That sentiment isn't exactly revolutionary."

That may be, but saying things like " So and so told me if we'd done it on the 1st or 2nd date he wouldn't have been into me," without any further commentary suggests that the concern isn't necessarily your comfort but about snaring a man by withholding sex. That is the type of mentality I'm referring to. 

The episode "The Waiting Game" now seemingly removed for some reason from Youtube, was full of this tyope of commentary. This episode seems of similar mindset, using "I love you" or withhodling "I love you" as a power play, instead of as honest communication with someone you care about.

"None of us would debate that honesty, communication and respect are part of a healthy, mature relationship. I mean ... umm ... isn't that sort of obvious?"

Yes it's quite obvious *to me* which is why I wrote it commenting on my observation that, based on repeated comments made on this show, some examples of which I've cited here, the hosts of TMIWeekly seem to suggest otherwise.

Saying things like "I'll wait for them to say 'I love 'and I won't say anything back," or "They have to say it first," etc doesn't sound like open, honest communication. It sounds like game playing and power plays to me. The point isn't whether you actually stick with these rules or not, but that you even use this kind of gameplaying (that's how I see it at least) as a guideline, instead of having a policy of being open and honest about your feelings, etc. 

"As anyone who's dated here can tell you - it's a minefield."

I have lived, dated, and had relationships in New York City and find it no different than dating, having relationships, etc., anyplace else. In general the basic principles of healthy dynamics between people seem to apply most anywhere.

I also don't see how saying you're talking about "dating" vs. "relationships" changes anything in regard to my comments about having these types of rules. 

It seems more like an issue of semantics than some deep difference in meaning, since I don't see why these rules are any more productive in the dating stage than in the relationship stage. Dating has also at times been known to lead to a relationship by the way, and starting off right away with the honesty, respect, and trust healthy interactions between people are built on seems ideal to me, regardless of whether dating proceeds to a more committed relationship or not anyway.

I guess what you see as guidelines that work for you have come across as calculated and plotting to me when watching from the other end of the camera. 

From suggesting putting on an act for a boyfriend's parents when visiting over the holidays, to comments about suffering for beauty only to let yourself go after marriage, to comments about withholiding sex as a way to keep men interested, the comments made on TMI on this topic don't come across to me as how you're framing them in your reply. Clealry , we are of two different opinions about this.

"That said, we'd be happy to let people with different mindsets join us. :) Please feel free to offer some specific suggestions and we'll take you up on them!"

I did make a specific suggestion, that you include come variety of mindset on the show on this topic. I hope if you like the idea, you'll take steps to make it happen for *your* show? In other words, I hope it won't take  my helping with your show's casting by actually finding specific guests, for you to include some variety of opinion in this area on TMIWeekly. From your response it was hard to tell if you intended to act on the suggestion, or only if I somehow made further suggestions, beyond the very specific one I already made. 

Thanks and good luck. : )

Courtship, my dear Sarina, is one of the most fascinating games two people can play.

Julia, it is for children/adolescents. It isn't for adults.

Why are you so hostile and confrontational? You'd be the first person to admit you have had a series of unsuccessful relationships. So why are you treating people in successful partnerships who took the time to try to explain to you what you're doing wrong with such thinly veiled contempt? Why don't you absorb it, learn something and try to do things differently -- IE, to conduct a relationship with honesty and forthrightness. Is that impossible for you? Given your reactions here over the past couple of days, I'm guessing it is.

Huh?  Who said I had unsuccessful relationships?  Please define an "unsuccessful" relationship for me, because perhaps we aren't talking about the same thing.  If you mean "marriage," I think that's a sad way of dismissing a lot of really great partnerships.

I've been in happy relationships for most of my adult life :)

It doesn't mean marriage. Whoa, are you ever weird about marriage and married people. I am not married. When I say successful partnerships, I don't necessarily mean marriage. 

You've been in happy relationships for most of your life? Your blogging of the past few years suggests differently.

"You can't predict it or plan it, but anytime between four and six months is really pretty reasonable." - those were my exact words.

How is that contrived? 

And I wasn't "flaming" two exes.  What a strange thing to say!  We're talking about our history.  I told Jakob I loved him when he was sleeping.  And someone else told me he loved me after four weeks.  How is that flaming?

Charles Forman told you after 4 weeks.  For someone who says they care about privacy, you sure do a shitty job of bleeping things out. And before you say that you don't bleep them out yourself, you could certainly ask that the editors do a better job before the public watches.

You want your privacy but you could give a shit about anyone elses privacy.

Yeah, saying "I love you" is a BIG deal here - it comes with all sort of expectations.  :)  Depends upon your perspective about how good or bad that is!

Hi adult female,

The three of us have had many successful relationships - and I'd challenge you to find even one woman who hasn't had a similar conversation with her girl friends!

Saying "I love you" is a HUGE step in most relationships, and one that is frequently fraught with "should I or shouldn't I"?

I've said - and heard - I love you many, many times, and the first time is always incredibly nerve-wracking (but so special!!)

The three of you have had many successful relationships?  My dear,  there are  too many TMIs and blog posts to count that tell your community otherwise. 


Games, rules, withholding sex, trying on behaviors you think will suit either your man or his parents.  This type of behavior does not lead to successful relationships. 

You have a point, I did have the "should I or shouldn't I say it" conversation with a  girlfriend or two.   These conversations took place when we were in high school.

Once you grow up (which I highly recommend to all three of you), it's far less fraught.  Follow this simple guide:

If you love him, you should say it.

If you don't, you should not.

I think 30 year old women wonder about when to say I love you just as much as 15 year olds - if not more!

Well, I think most people would be a bit overwhelmed if a person who knew them for only three weeks said they LOVED them.  

Personally, I'd find it a bit hard to believe - how can you possibly love someone after 21 days?

But I guess here are always exceptions to the rules :)

My spouse and I said I love you within weeks too. Ver happily married and together more than a decade later, I'd say we meant what we said back then and still do. It happens much more often than you may think.

My BF and I too.  We are walking down the aisle soon.